( applause and cheering )
KRABS: Okay, everybody, settle down.
Welcome to the Komedy Krab!
( chuckling )
( laughing )
Now, please give a warm welcome to our first comic,
the indiscernible Doogie Williams!
Good evening, folks.
I'm going to skip the jokes
and get right to the part where I throw pies at you.
( pies smashing )
( laughing )
I hope I do as good as that guy.
Man, those people will laugh at anything.
Hey, don't sweat it, kid.
I got 'em all warmed up for you.
KRABS: Put your fins together for SpongeBob SquarePants!
SANDY: Go get 'em, SpongeBob!
Whoo-hoo!
Hey, hey, hey, ladies and jellyfish,
have you ever noticed salt shakers?
I mean, you fill them up every night at closing
and, I mean, where does it all go?
Huh? You know what I mean?
( cricket chirping )
( chirping )
And tomatoes... what's the deal on those things?
( chuckles weakly )
SPONGEBOB: Because, I mean,
you chop them up into slices, but...
What are they, vegetables or...
fruit?
And what does that make ketchup?
FISH: Oh, brother!
This guy stinks!
Hey! Hey, funny guy!
I got a joke for you!
What smells rotten
and puts people to sleep?
Um, noxious gas?
No! Your act!
( laughing uproariously )
Did you ever notice how, uh...
...forks, uh...
FISH: Forks?! Come on!
( booing )
( thinking ): Quick, SpongeBob!
Make a witty observation!
( booing )
P.U.
( crowd booing )
Get out of here!
Did you ever notice how big squirrels' teeth are?
( chuckling )
That's true.
Huh?
I mean, hey,
you could land a plane on those things.
( laughing )
And what's up with that squirrel fur?
I guess fleas need a home, too.
( laughing harder )
Squirrel fur!
And they smell!
Uh, but hey, you'd stink, too,
if you spent three months buried in dirt.
( others laughing )
( laughing )
Hey, why does it take more than one squirrel
to change a lightbulb?
FISH: Why?!
Because they're so darn stupid!
( laughing hysterically )
( guffawing )
Oh, that's a good one, eh, Sandy?
Uh, y-yeah.
( laughing uncontrollably )
That was fantastic, boy!
You really knocked them out!
I think I'll do this joke night again
with you as the headliner!
I never thought I could be a headliner!
Whatever that is.
The headliner's the one
who cleans up after the show.
Well, at least I don't have to clean up my act!
( laughs )
Stick with the squirrel jokes, boy.
Now get busy!
Mops, mops, mops.
What's up with those things?
I mean, really!
Oh, hey, Sandy.
Howdy, SpongeBob.
Did you like the show?
Well, ac-actually, SpongeBob, no.
Those jokes are hurtful and you know it.
Come on, Sandy.
I was just joking.
I mean, everybody knows
you're the smartest one at Bikini Bottom.
Well, I can't argue with that.
We all gotta laugh at ourselves once in a while.
I do it all the time!
( laughing )
( chuckling )
You're right, SpongeBob.
I was being a little too sensitive.
No hard feelings.
Okay, deodorant.
Huh, let's see.
Roll-on or stick?
I think she should buy both.
( laughs )
Huh?
FISH: Hey, look, guys!
It's the stupid squirrel!
I know...
let's try and communicate with it.
ALL: Duh...
( laughing )
Hmph!
Hello, little critter.
What's your name?
Don't stand too close to a squirrel, Billy.
You'll catch its stupid.
Okay, Mom.
Stupidity isn't a virus,
but it sure is spreading like one.
CROWD ( chanting ): SpongeBob! SpongeBob!
♪ La-la-la-la la-la-la ♪
♪ Squirrely, squirrely, squirrely, squirrel. ♪
Because they're stupid.
Hey, uh, SpongeBob?
Oh, hi, Sandy.
Um, I need to talk to you
about them squirrel jokes.
We already talked about that, remember?
( laughing )
SpongeBob, this is serious.
Since you've been telling them jokes,
people have been treating me different.
SpongeBob, five minutes.
Uh, uh...
( slowly ): Hel-lo... Sandy.
Me... Patrick.
Do you... un-der-stand?
Squirrels.
Y-y-you see?! That's what I'm talking about.
That's just Patrick.
He's fooling around.
I'm just asking you as a friend,
please lay off them squirrel jokes, okay?
Tell some of them other jokes you got.
( nervously ): Other jokes?
Bah!
I got a million of them.
Thanks, SpongeBob.
I knew you'd understand.
( chanting ): SpongeBob! SpongeBob! SpongeBob! SpongeBob!
KRABS: Put your fins together for SpongeBob SquarePants!
( cheering )
Uh, hi.
( chuckles nervously )
Uh, did you hear about the goldfish who went bankrupt?
Now, he's a bronze fish.
( rimshot )
What? What did he say?
I guess you heard that one.
SANDY: I haven't heard it!
Good one, SpongeBob.
Thank you, you're too kind.
Hey, what about this water?
I mean, the stuff's everywhere.
Tell the one about the squirrel and the lightbulbs!
Uh... hey, what about this thing?
Huh? Huh?
Get on with the squirrel jokes!
CROWD ( chanting ): Squirrel jokes! Squirrel jokes! Squirrel jokes! Squirrel jokes!
Squirrel jokes!
( thinking ): What do I do? What do I do?
SpongeBob, you've got a choice to make:
Your friends or your career?
CROWD: Squirrel jokes! Squirrel jokes!
( all gasp )
Howdy, y'all!
( in Southern accent ): How come it takes
more than one squirrel to screw in a lightbulb?
ALL: Because they're so darn stupid!
( laughs )
My people!
But, seriously, folks, I want to give
a special thanks to my friend Sandy.
Sandy, don't you see?
The crowd loves these jokes.
Am I right?
( laughing )
Don't you see, Sandy?
We're laughing with you, not at you.
Do you understand now, Sandy?
Huh? Do you?
l understand exactly what's going on, SpongeBob.
Great.
I knew sooner or later, you'd understand.
What a great sport.
Let's give a big hand to Sandy!
But clap slow, because remember, she's a squirrel!
( crowd cheers )
Thank you.
You've been a wonderful audience and, uh, good night.
Ah... another spectacular performance, SpongeBob.
Oh, what's this, a fan letter?
You did it, SpongeBob.
You get to keep your career and your friends.
( sniffing )
I'm glad that Sandy can finally see the genius of my comedy.
Good morning, Sandy.
( in Southern accent ): Well, how-dee!
Sandy, are you feeling all right?
l'm just being my au-naturally squirrely self.
Well, come on in.
Y'all must be tired
from telling them funny jokes all the time.
Why don't you take a load off?
Uh, Sandy, I think something's wrong with this seat.
Naw, I just done put glue on it so you wouldn't fall off.
( gasps )
Are them flowers for me?
You even done got me a vase.
But Sandy, that... that's not a...
( guffaws )
Ain't that purdy?
Sandy, I need wa...
Oh, that's right.
You's a sea critter.
Now, what was that thing sea critters need?
Um... uh, let's see... sea critters need, uh...
Wa...
Oh, wait! Don't tell me.
I know this one.
Wa...
Wa... llet? Watch? Waffles?
( hoarsely ): Sandy!
Water!
Well, why didn't you just say so?
Here you go.
Yup, us squirrels sure is stupid.
( gurgling ): Sandy! Dumb, dumb, dumb.
Squirrels is dumb.
( gurgling ): Sandy!
Okay, Sandy, I get it!
What's that?
You want more?
Okey-dokey.
More water for the sea critter.
( gurgling ): Okay, Sandy, okay!
I get it!
No more squirrel jokes.
CROWD ( chanting ): SpongeBob! SpongeBob!
Thank you, thank you very much.
Well, on my way over here, l ran into a squirrel.
And I said, "Hey, why don't you"
"go get a couple of your squirrel friends
and we'll go change a lightbulb?"
( cheering wildly )
But seriously, folks, the only thing dumber than a squirrel
is a sponge!
l mean, we're so dumb, we don't even have a vertebrae!
( laughs )
Look at me!
I got no bones.
( chuckling )
That's true.
( laughing harder )
SPONGEBOB: Crabs? Oh, brother.
They're so cheap, they can't even pay attention!
( chuckling )
It's true! I am cheap!
Now, let me tell you about those fish.
Boy, are they smelly.
Whoo-hoo!
How could a creature
who spends so much time in the water smell so bad?
I mean, really.
( flatly ): Soap, soap, what is soap?
( uproarious laughter )
( crowd continues cheering and laughing )
SPONGEBOB: And don't even get me started on starfish!